Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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