worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
