No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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