I'm going to jail i love you
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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