Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
