Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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