I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
