I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
