He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
