hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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