I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you will always have a special place in my vag
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
