i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
