i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Randomize
