i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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