She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
