Only a mothe r could love this liver
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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