You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Who died my cat blue again?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
