The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize