And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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