I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
