No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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