I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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