Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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