I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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