Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i think my cat just said my name.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
