I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
