Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize