$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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