did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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