Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
