got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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