sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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