wat bout pragnant strippers??
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
