There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
