your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
