I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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