I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
50% drunk capacity currently
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
