i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
