I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Randomize
