i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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