even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
