If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
