Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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