Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
