how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
