I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
