No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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