What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
