did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
