my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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