how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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