a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
