The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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