I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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