did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have aggressive nipples.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
