my phone needs a breathalizer
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
